How NOT to panhandle Joey Ramone

Way back in the dark ages of the late 1980's, I had my first up close experience with a panhandler. I was a hardcore, but not that great BMX freestyle guy. Riding at the Huntington Beach Pier I met a guy named Mike who was also a punk rock officiando. He decided to broaden my music horizons from my top 40 upbringing, and started making me tapes, cassette tapes, of different bands. Mike introduced me to everything from Crass to The Buzzcocks to the Dead Kennedys to The Runaways to The Cramps to TSOL to Killer Pussy. Once I was showing a little interest, he started dragging me to clubs to see live shows. Mike's fav was The Ramones, but I kept missing their shows because of work or something. One great spot in those days was a club in downtown L.A. called Scream. At that point, 1988 or so, Jane's Addiction was sort of the house band at Scream. Besides Jane's Addiction, I first saw Social Distortion there, Human Drama, and dozens more I can't remember the names of.

Figuring I was ready to see some real old school (in 1988) punk, Mike took me to see The Dickies playing scream. By that point, he'd filled me in on a bunch of punk rock history, including the rift between The Ramones, who coined the term "punk rock," and The Sex Pistols, which were a band put together to take advantage of the early punk movement.

Anyhow, Mike and I were walking up to Scream, which was in an old theater in the Wilshire district, if I recall right. There was always a lunch truck parked out front, serving the punkers, goths, glams, and assorted misfits showing up to hear the bands. As we walked up, I saw some guy nearby with long black hair that reminded me of Slash from Guns-n-Roses. The guy had on a brand spankin' new Ramones T-shirt, as well, so I figured he was some poser. So I said, "Hey Mike, check out the Slash clone in the Ramones shirt." Mike looked over at the guy... and stopped dead in his tracks. He put his arm out to prevent me from walking any farther, they way your mom did when you were in the car as a kid and she had to stop fast. I looked at Mike. He just said, "We are in the presence of godness," in a freaky, serious tone of voice.

"What?" I asked, unable to figure out why he was acting so weird.

"Dude, that's Joey Ramone!" Mike explained.

As much as I heard Mike talk about The Ramones, I hadn't been to a show yet, or even seen a video of them. So I damn near ran into Joey without realizing who he was. As it turned out, Joey Ramone was heading in to see The Dickies play, since the bands were friends and often toured together. But was Joey was hungry, and headed to the lunch truck. Mike was in awe, and we follwed. A panhandler walked up to Joey Ramone as he looke for goodies in the truck, and asked Joey for a quarter. He noticed Joey's T-shirt. "The Ramones," the panhandler said, "I like the Ramones." He had no idea who he was talking to. Joey reached into his pocket, pulled out a quarter, and gave it to the panhandler, who smiled and walked away. "Ramones... yeah... good band," the panhandler continued, heading towards Mike and me. "And the Sex Pistols, I like them too." Joey turned back towards the panhandler, "Sex Pistols? Hey, give me my quarter back."

The panhandler walked away confused, and Mike and I just started cracking up, which got a laugh out of Joey. Have no fear this is a true story. I only wound up seeing The Ramones once, at Irvine Meadows. Never got the full club experience of seeing them play The Paladium. But meeting Joey at a lunch truck made up for that.

Thanks Mike.

My only question now is, what would Tank Girl do?

How to panhandle a drug store

We all know what contemporary drug stores look like, they're the same all across the country. Whether it's Walgreen's or CVS, they all have block walls, usually high windows, and a door at the corner. Most of them are open 24 hours, and these features make them one of the best places for late night panhandling. Like many other businesses, drug stores are back up spots to make emergency money for the next day. If the cops shut down your favorite off ramp for the day, you can head to the drug store to make that money needed for the next day's bus pass, a beer, food, or whatever.

Here's what you do: Stand on one side of the door or the other, I always prefer the side with the biggest section of parking lot. As someone heads into the store, unload your spiel politely. "Excuse me ma'am, I'm trying to catch a bus and I'm 40 cents short, can you spare a little change?" Or whatever your spiel is, that's just an example. Most of the time, they will say "No," which is fine. Then you say, "Sorry to bother you," and let them walk in the store. Then you ask the next person walking in. In A LOT of cases, the person who said no to you on the way into the store will offer some change, or a dollar or two, on the way out.

One night in my year on the streets on Orange County, I had almost enough money to get a cheap motel room for the night, get a shower, and get out of the cold. But I was four dollars short. This was in Buena Park, near Knott's Berry Farm. I walked to a 24 hour drug store nearby and set up on one side of the door. Unfortunately, on the other side of the door was a woman panhandling. In a desperate attempt for cash, she sat down on the pavement, started crying, pulled up the leg of her sweats, and took off her artificial leg. I'm totally serious. I thought, "Oh shit, I have to compete with that?" But I took it as a challenge, and I was super polite and super professional in my panhandling, while the one legged bitch whined and cried and moaned. I had five dollars for my motel room within five minutes, and she hadn't made a cent. That felt good. So did my first luke warm shower in a month, and the over soft bed felt incredible.

As with all business panhandling, if the owner or manager comes out and runs you off, be polite and leave. Then go back half an hour later if you still need a couple bucks.

How to panhandle a big box store

"Big box" stores like Sam's Club, Costco, Home Depot, Lowes and others are good for some quick, hit and run, one on one panhandling. You can't make much money at one, but you can almost always make a quick two or three bucks for food or bus fare. Here's how:

Stand near the edge of the parking lot and scope the place out a bit. What you want is people coming out to their car with a really big shopping cart or one of those flat carts loaded up. Walk towards them non-chalantly, and make sure you have your panhandling spiel (your story) well rehearsed. As soon as they open the car or truck and start unloading, say, "Excuse me," and then go into your spiel about how you need the money for food, bus fare, or to buy grandma some Depends diapers, or whatever. People want to ignore you and keep unloading, but hovering around, even politely, bothers most people. Usually they'll give you a dollar ot two just to get rid of you. Say "Thank you, and walk towards the bus stop or some other place out of sight. This makes them think that you really did just need a buck or two, and that they're really helping you. If you need more money, wait until that car leaves, and then walk through the parking lot again and repeat the process. Most of these places have security, so it's best to leave after you hit two or three people, then come back another day.

Big box stores are best used as emergency panhandling spots, ones to go to when kicked off the off ramp or other times when panhandling elsewhere can't be done.

Basic panhandler rules

It's the holiday season, and I've been hit up by panhandlers left and right. I'm sure you have too. Since I'm a former panhandler, one who actually had to live off of panhandling for a year, I have some standards for people I give money to. I'm currently part of the "working homeless," meaning that I work full time, but still can't afford a real place to live. It's definitely the worst part of the homeless world. Anyhow, here are some of the unwritten rules of the panhandling world.

1. Have a decent spiel. Your spiel is the story you tell people to get them to give you money. If you're asking people for money one on one, make up a decent story and rehearse it a little. People often say they want to hear the truth from a panhandler, but that's not really true. The truth is too involved and often far worse than the story you make up for your spiel.

2. Don't panhandle where you eat. It's just bad form. If you're going to get a burger at McDonald's, then go down the street to Burger King to panhandle. People like to give you a dollar (or more) and then have you disappear. They don't want to sit and watch you eat. They really don't want to watch you eat at a $10 all-you-can-eat-buffet right next to where you were just panhandling.

3. Don't panhandle mall parking lots. There's always security, people are in shopping mode, and there are always better places near the mall to panhandle.

4. Be polite. You're asking complete strangers for money. If they give you money, take it, say "Thanks" and then leave them alone. I had a guy yesterday hit me up at a gas station. I gave him a dollar and said, "I know how it is, I was panhandling last Christmas. I'm still homeless, I just live in my taxi now." The stupid motherfucker said, "No you don't, you're lying." I seriously thought about kicking his ass and taking my dollar back. Fuckin' crackheads.

5. Don't panhandle your friends and acquaintances. Since I stayed in two homeless shelters here in Winston-Salem while looking for work, I know most of the bums in this town. I'm working 100 hours a week just to scrape by in my taxi, and these losers keep asking me for money. Don't do that.

John Stossel panhandling

Months ago I got an email from a guy claiming to be the producer for John Stossel, the FOX news guy. I was leery, but traded a couple emails and did some research and realized the guy seemed legit. He found this blog and asked me for some background information on panhandling. So I typed up three long emails of all the basic info I could think of, including what I learned from personal experience in my year on the streets as a panhandler in Southern California. I told him that I don't drink or do drugs, and why I wound up homeless and panhandling. I told him everything I thought would help, including how much I actually made, and didn't make when I was panhandling. I told him why non-profit organizations try to outlaw panhandling because they think it hurts their income from charitable contributions. By the way, all non-profits beg for money, too, as do all politicians. I figured the show they were making would suck, but I did my best to answer all of the producer's questions.

The clip above is the first part of the John Stossel special "Freeloaders." I was actually impressed with the way it came out. who wound up being the biggest freeloader? GE... General Electric... one of the biggest corporations in the United States.

By the way, that first panhandler is John Stossel himself.

Interesting Times

On my old school BMX blog I'm currently doing a series of posts about the Occupy Wall Street movement, which I think is a huge turning point for our country. Check out these thoughts at Freestyle BMX Tales.

The main types of panhandling

There are 4 types of panhandling:

1. One on one panhandling- You walk up to people on the street and ask them for some spare change.

2. Flying a sign- You stand on a freeway off ramp, street corner, or busy sidewalk with a cardboard sign asking for a dollar or two.

3. Start a non-profit organization- You throw parties for rich people and ask them for donations of thousands of dollars, some of which pays your salary.

4. Running for public office- You put on a suit, sign up as a politician, walk up to people on the street, and ask them for hundreds or thousands of dollars each.